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News » Canseco needs to stop talking and start thinking 2008-10-22

Canseco needs to stop talking and start thinking 2008-10-22

Canseco needs to stop talking and start thinking 2008-10-22
So if Jose Canseco donates his brain to science, how will they send it to the lab? Pea-shooter?

Maybe there has been a more clueless, more self-serving big-name athlete in the last 20 years, but if so, I don't want to meet him. Canseco has the self-awareness of a porcupine who keeps licking his skin.

Canseco is a career steroid user. I don't mean he used steroids for his whole career. I mean using steroids was his career. He juiced his way to 462 career home runs, The New York Times Bestseller List and brief fame as the only man in baseball who would tell the truth.

But wait! Apparently he regrets that now. In an A&E documentary called "Jose Canseco: The Last Shot" Canseco says he "should not have written" his famous tell-all book, according to the New York Daily News.

"I never realized this was going to blow up and hurt so many people," Canseco said.

I hate to write like a eighth-grader's text message here, but: WHAT?!?!?!? You never realized this was going to blow up and hurt so many people? Jose, are you on drugs?

Oh, right.

In 2002, Canseco promised Dan Patrick (then of ESPN) that he would write a book, and that "it's gonna be a tell-all book, about other athletes, about the politics involved It's probably going to be the most interesting book in baseball history I have ever seen."

For the next THREE YEARS, Canseco merrily dropped hints that he would name big names and outsell the Bible. Then he finally released his first contribution to American letters, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits and How Baseball Got Big.

So this idea that he "never realized this was going to blow up and hurt so many people" is just laughable. Not even Jose is that stupid.

Once "Juiced" was released, Canseco felt so bad about naming names that he humbly titled his next tome "Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars and the Battle to Save Baseball."

There wasn't much to "Vindicated," just enough to make a few media waves.

Canseco named Magglio Ordonez as a steroid user for the first time. Of course, Canseco had not named Ordonez in his first book, and hadn't had any real interaction with him since.

Canseco's explanation? He didn't name Magglio in his first book because he likes Magglio.

More famously, Canseco also pointed his roidy little finger at Alex Rodriguez. Why didn't he include A-Rod in the first book?

Canseco's explanation: Because he hates A-Rod.

Apparently it's OK to be on the man's good side or his bad side, but if Jose Canseco is totally indifferent toward you, watch out!

Of course, four out of five scientists agree that the real problem with being a complete moron is the danger you pose to yourself. We now present the following gem from the latest Canseco news story:


  • Rosenthal: Rays still in good shape
  • Schrager: How not to get fired


  • Phillies outshine Rays in Game 1
  • Glazer: Life without Nolan
View more videos >>

Author:Fox Sports
Author's Website:
Added: October 22, 2008

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